Stalkers

I consider myself an amateur stalker.  I have had a few celebrity crushes, but I just don't seem to be real good at it.  I either forget I'm supposed to be stalking someone or I'm so overt that I'm like Orson Wells trying to hide out at the Super China Buffet on his 40th trip up to the Crab Rangoon tray.  I have checked out tips and tricks from other stalkers and I guess I'm just not that into it.  And now that gas is up to $2.38 a gallon I'm rethinking my motivation because the weekly trips past Rush Limbaugh's house are just not yielding the results I had hoped for.

My sister has a stalker.  He's a total moron though so don't be alarmed.  He's about as good a stalker as William Lepeska.  And frankly I'm surprised no one's stalking that guy, he looks eerily like Hugh Laurie!

My sisters stalker is more like a pathologically lying, wanna be player.  He kinda reminds me of M.C. Hammer's comeback, "Yeah, we all know who your are, but we realized we just don't have to care anymore."  He thinks he's fooling people, but in reality he's been quite the laugh factory. He just shows up unannounced, tells everyone how great he's doing and leaves.  It's like meeting up with your high school sweetheart at the reunion, hearing all about how he invented the beer hat and lives in his own castle, only to find out that he actually still lives with his mommy and is a late night cook at the IHOP.  Bummer!

Showing up unannounced is stalker 101 my friends, but you really need to have a better plan than saying something cliche like "You had me at Hello" when you arrive. What you really need to practice is appearing at places the person went to eat or shop.  Sit at the table next to them or follow them down every aisle making shifty eyes every time they look your way.  I don't know how to do it, I'm just sayin'.

I started stalking my husband about three years ago.  He's called the cops a couple times, you know, just when I got a little close to him, but nothing serious.  I drive by my house a lot, real slow and blast Peter Gabriel "In Your Eyes" out the window.  I know it sounds strange, but I think he's coming around.

Now, if you have to drive a long way to stalk someone, please, please, pick up a Trip Tic at AAA so you can see where the rest stops are.  Otherwise your going to get caught with those diapers in the trunk and that's really not sexy at all.  Who Does that?!