Iditos in Healthcare

For starters, who is the idiot that decided it's acceptable for doctors to waste everyone's time?  I have sat in the "waiting room" of many offices where I think they are watching me toss yet another magazine across their coffee table on close caption TV from the break room in the back, popping Lortab and laughing their asses off.  WHAT is going on back there?  And just a tip to the people who think that the ob that delivered your daughter 21 years ago really cares that she's getting married now and living in Kalamazoo and working part time at the grocery store ... he DOESN'T.  Quit running your mouth about nonsense.  Your holding up the line for the rest of us while he's trying to be polite and not mention the thing about her eyes being crossed and did it ever get fixed.

Now, if you miss an appointment you get charged a fee, what kind of bullshit is that?  If you don't want me to be your patient tell me to screw off otherwise my time is as valuable as yours and frankly your holier than thou attitude is making me want to set up a lot of appointments as random identities of people with serious needs that never show up.  "Yes. Dr. Dickhead, your new patient with the basketball sized tumor on his left nut never showed up?"  "Gee, that's strange, send him a bill to that P.O. Box on file, you'll hear from him after that!"  "I don't know what happened, but your 4:00 emergency patient with the corncob lodged in her ear never showed."  "She'll call back, no one can exist too long with a corncob lodged in their ear."

People want to fix health care how about we fix appointment times.  I got an idea, how about if I show up late I have to go to the back of the line and if you don't see me on time I get 20% knocked off my bill for every 15 minutes.  Now, I know what you're gonna say, there's real medicine going on back there and there is no way to truly calculate how long things will take, right?  That I should understand when I get back there I will get the same time and attention that everybody else does.  Well, I say let's use some common sense people!  You spent eight years in college, your Rn's and nurse practitioners  ... I would guess at least 6, maybe 7  and that equals approximately ......... fuck if I know, but I know it's a lot of hours of education.  This isn't brain surgery Dr. McMoneybags, if the patient in Operatory 1 has a hangnail and the patient in Operatory 2 has a gunshot wound, tell the patient in Op 1 that he needs to go home and suck it up.  You'll call him when you're done with the real medicine and you have nothing better to do.

And here's another tip for saving time.  If a patient calls you and says they need antidepressants, do you really think there faking it?  Why would someone fake depression?  And if they are faking it, they're nuts and they still need their ticket out of crazy town like the rest of us, so call it in.  You don't need to see them.

God Damn, do we really need to fill out four pages worth of paperwork, sit in your waiting room for an hour and a half to get in the back so you can tell us how we need to lose weight.  We know this!  Has anyone gone to the doctor, had him suggest that you need to lose weight and you responded, "I'm in total shock!  I was wondering why everyone was calling me baby hippo!  Can I please just get my meds before I kill your cashier on the way out."

And another thing.  What moron had to come up with this idea that EVERYWHERE in your doctor's office there needs to be signs!  Tell us if you're pregnant, Tell us if you've changed insurance.  Tell us if you're on any medication.  Can't you read the 400 questions you just asked me to answer on these useless pieces of paper that look like I just got the 1,000 copy of the copy of the copy. 

And what about the people who can't read, are they just shit out of luck?   I layed down and put my feet in the stirrups at the Gynecologist's office and there's a sign on the ceiling that says, "Payment is expected when services are rendered."  I threw a hundred dollar bill on his instrument tray when he was finished, got dressed and left feeling really, really dirty.

Before I go I just want to say, stop suing your doctors for ridiculous shit.  Unless of course they take off a leg when you came in to have blood drawn.  Now that's just wrong.  Who does that?!