Topsy Turvy

Topsy Turvy has been "turning the world of gardening upside down for years now", but I have news for them, it's gone next level folks.

I live in the mountains of Virginia.  It's beautiful here and I can imagine the soil could turn a rock into a rose bush if you left it long enough.  Topsy Turvy most likely doesn't have this area targeted for advertisement.  But I'm thinking in light of the story I'm about to tell you they are sitting in sales meetings right now going, "There's been a spike in sales in Abingdon, VA.  Somebody get down there and see what's going on". Save your money Topsy Turvy I have an explanation.

I have a pretty big piece of property and the back of it goes straight up, as mountains do, and you can't see the other side from the house.  Neighbors only on one side and they are wonderful.  Older couple, sweet, helpful, no trouble.  They have a grandson that comes to visit, he appears to be about 18 or 19. Rides his Grandpa's golf cart around and comes through our property on a regular basis.  One day John comes in and says, "That kid's sitting on the golf cart at the back of our property.  He's been back there about a half and hour".  I reply, "He's probably smoking a joint".  We walk up that way and he takes off.  We have a good chuckle.

A couple weeks later we're cruising around our property and John looks over at a huge maple we've got and says, "What the fuck is that"?  "Oh, sweetie, that's just a Topsy Turvy".  Again he says, "What the fuck is that"? I say, "Well it's a tomato planter that works in a simple yet ingenious way.  As the sun warms the plant like a greenhouse, the root system ... ummmmm ... WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT"?

Out of the bottom of it is a very nicely blossoming, fully formed, thriving marijuana plant.  I yell at John, "Oh, hell no.  If anyone's gonna be growing weed back here it's going to be me".  Then I made a face that expressed my feelings of  ... well, I mean, if I actually was going to grow weed, which I'm not, but if I was ... you get the idea.

I yank it down and pull the plant out.  I begin marching across our property to the neighbors house with my chest puffed out as if I was on a mission to save the world, talking out loud about how unacceptable it is and how offended and disgusted I am. I authoritatively knock on the door and then realize I am holding a TOPSY TURVY in one hand and a POT PLANT in the other.  All that comes to my mind to say at that moment is, "Seriously?  Not cool"!   Brilliant.  I sound as dumb as their grandson.

We talk for a few minutes.  I tell her how pissed I am, how I have a 13 year old next door who I don't want seeing this and how I'm not planning on spending one minute in the big house for a pot farm her grandson is starting on my property.  G's up Ho's down bitches!  She starts crying and the next thing you know I'm apologizing and telling her I'll fix it and hang it back up.  He should have a good crop in no time.

I tell her how it's going to be okay and how at his age I was a complete spectacle and not to worry, he'll get his shit together sooner or later.  I walked back to my house and over to my trash can and, to be honest, had mixed emotions as I was throwing out this ravishing plant, but I am a grown up and well ... I did the right thing.

What was I really pissed about?  Well, talk about balls.  This kids growing pot plants on my property and I never even met him. Are all kids this fucktarded?  Who Does That?!

Bathroom Photos

Here's the deal people, STOP taking pictures of yourself in the bathroom, It's just gross. What is it with people doing that?  Stop it!   I want to see that about as much as I want to see photos of moose on alpaca porn!  Okay, I do want to see that, but not the bathroom stuff.

It's not that I don't like that same photo of you, looking the exact same way at the mirror, with your hair the exact same way and just wearing a different outfit, I do.  I love them.  But I can't stop zooming in and analyzing the disturbing uncleanliness that appears peripherally in each of these photos. "Is that a tampon wrapper on the floor?  Oh hell no!"

Various things in the shot ... Make-up caked on the counter, condom wrappers, glasses of milk turning into yogurt, cocaine.  Stop it!  Seriously, go into a room that's clean for crying out loud.  You kind of lose yourself in the photo when just behind you is your cat taking a shit in the litter box.

I do understand how it all began.  People needed to find a mirror to take that photo for their dating/fetish site profile and needed the camera or flash to cover up their face.  As if that would stop anyone from identifying you with the tattoo of your own last name across your chest.  Porn profile shot ... FAIL!   "Is that my husband Jim"?  You really can't ask him cause what would you say,
"Are you "Fuzzy Shoulders" on Housewives looking for some Stanky on their Down Low.com"?  And don't look it up folks, it's not a real site.  Not yet anyway.   Should I copy write that?  I know my audience.

And you really can't casually request to your friend or significant other, "Hey...  yeah ...ummm ... mind taking a photo of me stripped down to this edible underwear with this bondage mask on my face?  Oh ... and see if you can hold the chain on this leash while you take it.  Thanks.  I mean ... just for my facebook cover photo".

I think that makes my point.  And please dear god, for all that is good in the world,  flush the fucking toilet before you take the picture. Seriously?  Who Does That?!.