Here they come people ..................... brace yourself.
I love the holidays, but I have had my share of holiday misadventures. We all have the one or twenty relatives that we dread seeing or dealing with during the holidays, but I am learning to embrace it and actually have a little fun with them. I'm stuck with them so why not make them do silly things to entertain me.
Let's start with my favorites. The ones who want their holiday to be a picture straight out of the Saturday Evening Post. Oh, how I yearn to disrupt and destroy their Martha Stewartesque atmosphere with three boys, 2 under the age of six and the third, an 11 year old with more attitude than Mike Tyson at his marriage counseling sessions.
In their mind it really IS possible to have this blissfully, perfect wrapped present filled scenario. And they are absolutely committed to attempting this each and every year in spite of the fact that the holidays from previous years have been so incredibly filled with disappointment. I LOVE these people. My mom is one of them.
Countless hours are spent making sure every detail has not been overlooked. That the house is decorated to perfection and smells like a nice warm cup of cinnamon tea. The presents have hand made tags from previous Christmas cards that are just too precious to ever even think about throwing away. The wrapping matches the tree decor and in the background just ever so gently tugging at your ear drum is the sound of Mannheim Steamroller's rendition of The First Noel. She has painstakingly set the table with the finest Wedgwood china and silver. Crystal glasses twinkle from the adornment of candles that is the master centerpiece. The anti pasta is waiting for us with only the freshest pecorino romano and black olives that can be found. The homemade sauce is bubbling on the stove and the smell of freshly baked lasagna is noticeable up to ten blocks away. Ahhhhh ... and in we come!
My dads already pissed because he still to this day does not know what he is celebrating. He has his traditional kiss on the cheek, but the greeting has been changed from "I hope all you got me was a card" to "I hope you didn't get me a card. Fucking Hallmark ... $5.00 for a god damn card. Jesus Christ, it just says Merry Christmas." And the fun begins.
I watch my mother's forehead with utter amazement. I wonder how veins can pop so far out of someones skin and pulse in perfect time with the children's screams and never stroke out. She's like a director of a an excellently written play as she continues to try to complete her set with all the necessary props. The only problem is her actors are under qualified drunks and frankly more suited for B horror flicks.
I listen to her attempting to direct everyone, my father mostly, to follow the script to include the rewrites from the night before. And then it happens, the 3 year old who has just disrobed down to his traditional baby Jesus nudity runs through the kitchen with a half ripped open present followed by the 5 year old screaming, "grandma got run over by a reindeer" and plows right into her forcing her to drop the cranberry mold she started chopping up nuts for and zesting oranges three days prior. She pours a glass of wine sheds a holiday tear and end scene.
I love my mother from the very depths of my soul. I admire her love for life and the little things in it, her relationship with all her brothers and sister, children and her husband who I am certain if I had to live with I would have hit in the back of the head with a frying pan. If not for her, none of us would ever know what it means to love without hesitation and although we may seem to be oblivious Mom, we truly love all that you do to make our holiday picture perfect.
Now ... off to fuck it up! Who Does That?!
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Hypocrites
I am pissed off at another very widely hated group. Hypocrites. Nobody ever thinks they're one, but there always seem to be more around than Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen's sorry lame attempts at movie making.
Your average hypocrite starts out with what is seemingly a very rational conversation in regards to even the most mundane subject and turns themselves into a self centered asshole quicker than people can tune into Sarah Palin's new show to see if the next teenage daughter is going to fornicate out of wedlock too. Let's be realistic here people ... these girls live in Alaska! I'll say it again ... Alaska! What the hell else is there to do. Build a pipeline, lay some pipe ... what's the difference? And people sit back with their teenage daughter who is 7 months pregnant by the neighbor kid who dropped out of school to advance his career to night manager at The Circle K in order to support our new arrival to the welfare system and his $100 a week "legal herb" habit and say "How dare she run for vice president. She's a moron and I know what a moron looks like. I see it in the mirror each time I pull out my bumpits and rave hairspray to don my feathered coif every morning."
And let's move on to the Christians. Look here average Christian person reading my blog ... I'm not talking about you right now so sit down. I'm talking about the ones who come to your door to ask if you have a fucking millennium to discuss how much more shit they know about Jesus than you do. And god forbid they get my father's chosen response of "I'm an atheist." "Well, sir, you are going to HELL!!!!!!!" "That's it? That's all you got? Hell?" Name me one atheist who is scared of hell? They don't believe in hell that's the WHOLE concept of being atheist. Know your audience a little better than, John McEnroe did when he thought that anyone listening to his boring ass talk show gave a shit about his liberal rantings. Now, here comes the hypocrite part ... what happened to spreading gods word, being a disciple, making sure every inch of the planet earth knows about what a wonderful concept Christianity is. One false move and these people will beat you to death with the crosses they're carrying.
And don't hide back there nodding your head progressives, you know who you are. "I accept everyone." Yeah, until they stand on the corner with a fake bloody baby doll and a sign that says, "Save the unborn babies." You can't get your window rolled down fast enough to tell them that their life's work of ending abortion is flawed because frankly it's none of their business. Well, since when does that mean shit to you people? Neither is the fact that I may own a firearm for protection. I have lots of things in my house that can kill someone and certainly things that would work just as good if not better than a gun, but for some reason if you want to own a gun these wackjobs think you're in a gang. I'm gonna start a gang and call it "I don't dial 911." For our initiation you have to go to the Wal Mart order up the Hot Pink Rifle and ask "Does that come with a copy of The Gun Control Act of 1968? You know, just so I can see who signed it and all."
So before you open your mouth to judge somebody ask yourself ... "Can I kick their ass if this gets ugly?" Who Does That?!
Your average hypocrite starts out with what is seemingly a very rational conversation in regards to even the most mundane subject and turns themselves into a self centered asshole quicker than people can tune into Sarah Palin's new show to see if the next teenage daughter is going to fornicate out of wedlock too. Let's be realistic here people ... these girls live in Alaska! I'll say it again ... Alaska! What the hell else is there to do. Build a pipeline, lay some pipe ... what's the difference? And people sit back with their teenage daughter who is 7 months pregnant by the neighbor kid who dropped out of school to advance his career to night manager at The Circle K in order to support our new arrival to the welfare system and his $100 a week "legal herb" habit and say "How dare she run for vice president. She's a moron and I know what a moron looks like. I see it in the mirror each time I pull out my bumpits and rave hairspray to don my feathered coif every morning."
And let's move on to the Christians. Look here average Christian person reading my blog ... I'm not talking about you right now so sit down. I'm talking about the ones who come to your door to ask if you have a fucking millennium to discuss how much more shit they know about Jesus than you do. And god forbid they get my father's chosen response of "I'm an atheist." "Well, sir, you are going to HELL!!!!!!!" "That's it? That's all you got? Hell?" Name me one atheist who is scared of hell? They don't believe in hell that's the WHOLE concept of being atheist. Know your audience a little better than, John McEnroe did when he thought that anyone listening to his boring ass talk show gave a shit about his liberal rantings. Now, here comes the hypocrite part ... what happened to spreading gods word, being a disciple, making sure every inch of the planet earth knows about what a wonderful concept Christianity is. One false move and these people will beat you to death with the crosses they're carrying.
And don't hide back there nodding your head progressives, you know who you are. "I accept everyone." Yeah, until they stand on the corner with a fake bloody baby doll and a sign that says, "Save the unborn babies." You can't get your window rolled down fast enough to tell them that their life's work of ending abortion is flawed because frankly it's none of their business. Well, since when does that mean shit to you people? Neither is the fact that I may own a firearm for protection. I have lots of things in my house that can kill someone and certainly things that would work just as good if not better than a gun, but for some reason if you want to own a gun these wackjobs think you're in a gang. I'm gonna start a gang and call it "I don't dial 911." For our initiation you have to go to the Wal Mart order up the Hot Pink Rifle and ask "Does that come with a copy of The Gun Control Act of 1968? You know, just so I can see who signed it and all."
So before you open your mouth to judge somebody ask yourself ... "Can I kick their ass if this gets ugly?" Who Does That?!
Friday, November 12, 2010
SHUT UP!
If Kanye West says one more time he wants to clarify, quantify, denyify or apologizeify any prior ignorant shit he has said I swear to the pop artist gods I'm going to start a blog called "Stupid Shit Kanye West Says". Oh, wait ... that would be his blog.
Now, I concede he is talented, but that doesn't make him intelligent. There are a lot of talented musicians with an IQ under 12. I used to date one. A very talented guitarist moron. And I mean a major tool. Let's just mention a famous one ... Ozzy! Need I say more. I love Ozzy, but let's be honest, he's no Mensa member. At least he has enough intelligence in his black hair color soaked head to know his wife should be running things and he should keep his stupid ass mouth shut. Could you picture Ozzy negotiating with a mortgage broker? I can't even imagine him knowing how to operate a gas pump. And that's okay because he entertains me with music and foolishness, not his opinion on animal testing and I admire him for that.
When did celebrities start taking themselves so seriously? Or I should say ... Why do they take themselves so seriously? Since when do I give a shit if Sarah Jessica Parker, who is pretty much known for her fashion sense, has an opinion on politics? Look here SJP, you're an expert on what hat goes with what bag not the inner workings of the government so explain to me why you and Michelle Obama are even being photographed together? Oh, wait ... I think I just figured that one out myself. And let me ask you this, how do we really know which one of these jackasses is wearing real fur or fake fur? And do we really give a shit? I care about that as much as I care about who is adopting the next 5 year old refugee from China.
When any of these celebrity fuckheads comes out and shows off there latest project filled adoption papers and says, "Look at me I'm so fabulous. I care so much that I sold these pictures of my new baby from Africa to People magazine. Oh, but don't worry I'm donating the money to charity! Aren't I amazing." It makes me want to cancel my subscription to Star Magazine.
Meanwhile the super rich in this country are portrayed as money grubbing assholes who are attempting to rule the world with their diabolical plan of putting Wal Marts on every corner to confuse and steal from poor people. Those are the same people who gave away nearly 150 billion dollars to charity last year. THOSE MOTHER FUCKER'S. They're not fooling me. And don't even try to give me any shit for itemizing because I gave away $15.40 worth of old underwear and piss stained baby clothes to Goodwill. That's my right!
And whoever is out there that wants to preach to me about the celebrities are just allowing the masses to get the information they want to fuel their obsessions with these goodhearted, pay it forward pretenders, don't bother. I have one word for you ... Publicist! Name me one celebrity that doesn't have one? Go ahead ... I'll wait. Poor celebrities and the evil paparazzi chasing them wanting to get pictures and stories about there incredibly interesting trip to all the pay-villions on Rodeo. "Oh, you just don't understand how frustrating and scary it is to be chased by the paparazzi!" Boo fucking hoo ... you'd gay marry yourself if you could you narcissistic, botox injected, anorexic bore.
Just make your movie, promote it and entertain me with a cup of Shut The Fuck Up! Unless of course you want to be a celebrity and decide the way to do it is get your kids to lie that their little brother is out for a joy ride in the homemade, gas filled balloon you built to look like a flying saucer. I would like to hear you're explanation for that one! Who does that?!
Now, I concede he is talented, but that doesn't make him intelligent. There are a lot of talented musicians with an IQ under 12. I used to date one. A very talented guitarist moron. And I mean a major tool. Let's just mention a famous one ... Ozzy! Need I say more. I love Ozzy, but let's be honest, he's no Mensa member. At least he has enough intelligence in his black hair color soaked head to know his wife should be running things and he should keep his stupid ass mouth shut. Could you picture Ozzy negotiating with a mortgage broker? I can't even imagine him knowing how to operate a gas pump. And that's okay because he entertains me with music and foolishness, not his opinion on animal testing and I admire him for that.
When did celebrities start taking themselves so seriously? Or I should say ... Why do they take themselves so seriously? Since when do I give a shit if Sarah Jessica Parker, who is pretty much known for her fashion sense, has an opinion on politics? Look here SJP, you're an expert on what hat goes with what bag not the inner workings of the government so explain to me why you and Michelle Obama are even being photographed together? Oh, wait ... I think I just figured that one out myself. And let me ask you this, how do we really know which one of these jackasses is wearing real fur or fake fur? And do we really give a shit? I care about that as much as I care about who is adopting the next 5 year old refugee from China.
When any of these celebrity fuckheads comes out and shows off there latest project filled adoption papers and says, "Look at me I'm so fabulous. I care so much that I sold these pictures of my new baby from Africa to People magazine. Oh, but don't worry I'm donating the money to charity! Aren't I amazing." It makes me want to cancel my subscription to Star Magazine.
Meanwhile the super rich in this country are portrayed as money grubbing assholes who are attempting to rule the world with their diabolical plan of putting Wal Marts on every corner to confuse and steal from poor people. Those are the same people who gave away nearly 150 billion dollars to charity last year. THOSE MOTHER FUCKER'S. They're not fooling me. And don't even try to give me any shit for itemizing because I gave away $15.40 worth of old underwear and piss stained baby clothes to Goodwill. That's my right!
And whoever is out there that wants to preach to me about the celebrities are just allowing the masses to get the information they want to fuel their obsessions with these goodhearted, pay it forward pretenders, don't bother. I have one word for you ... Publicist! Name me one celebrity that doesn't have one? Go ahead ... I'll wait. Poor celebrities and the evil paparazzi chasing them wanting to get pictures and stories about there incredibly interesting trip to all the pay-villions on Rodeo. "Oh, you just don't understand how frustrating and scary it is to be chased by the paparazzi!" Boo fucking hoo ... you'd gay marry yourself if you could you narcissistic, botox injected, anorexic bore.
Just make your movie, promote it and entertain me with a cup of Shut The Fuck Up! Unless of course you want to be a celebrity and decide the way to do it is get your kids to lie that their little brother is out for a joy ride in the homemade, gas filled balloon you built to look like a flying saucer. I would like to hear you're explanation for that one! Who does that?!
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