Let's talk about food. There has been so much negative discussion about food that I have decided to to put a new spin on it.
First of all, just so you know, I consider myself a tractor beam of hotness. I went through all that body image bullshit when I was younger. I'm too short, my butts not round enough, my tits are too BIG! Well, I'm 41 and have three kids and I think I look pretty good for what I've put into my body. I tried dieting after all three of my kids were born. I didn't last one flippin' day. I like food too much.
My husband says if you cut me I would bleed cheese. He's partially correct. If I was asked would I like a blood transfusion to survive or a grilled cheese sandwich I would only have one question, "Is it munster or cheddar?" Although my dad can make a mean grilled swiss on rye. I have definitely taken the desire to eat something tasty to a new level. Have you ever seen a commercial where someone looks like they are having an orgasm while enjoying a yogurt? That's me. I love food so much that if you said "Hey fatty, do you want to be skinny and rich or obese and poor?" I would answer obese and poor quicker than it takes Oprah Winfrey to grow her next chin.
Being skinny is debilitating, horrifically boring and downright painful. It's so painful that it makes people throw up. Yes, skinny people vomit a lot! Can you believe that? Being skinny makes you sick to your stomach. If I feel like my food is coming back up I hold on tighter than Eric Roberts trying to hold on to his career when his agent says, "Take the Young and The Restless gig. It's all I got".
I suffer from dieter's remorse. If I start a diet I feel guilty that the cheesecake I left in the fridge is going to suffer abandonment issues
I have some simple tips for anyone suffering from dieters remorse.
1) Stop worrying about food, it's just food! Worry about something important like how much money you threw away on the 60 leftover pouches of powdered eggs that you bought from Nutri Systems and never ate because you'd rather eat a moon rock.
2) Don't eat fast food. Not because it's fattening, but because it tastes disgusting. Does anyone hit a Burger King drive through, eat their meal and say that was delicious? NO! NEVER!
3) If you want a sleeve of Oreos, have it, but just not four times in a row.
4) If you don't like cheese, try it again. I think your missing something.
Another thing that pisses me off is all the "It tastes just like it" food. "I can't believe it's not butter?" You can't believe it because it isn't and it never will be. "Have this Toffuti Burger it tastes just like a burger." "No, it tastes like cardboard with non fat mayo on it." People who make non fat mayo should be hung from a yardarm. Mayo is supposed to be delicious and full of fat. Stop fucking with mayo, mayo is fine the way it is. "I can't believe this hot dog is soy product. It tastes just like a real hot dog." "No, it doesn't it tastes like a pickled turd." And finally Lactose free ice cream, really? If you are lactose intolerant ... hold on ... I got to stop laughing. Lastose intolerant! Everybody is lactose intolerant. Dairy hardens your arteries, disrupts your digestive system and gives you gas, but the stomach cramps are worth it. Tell me Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia isn't good! Yeah, I don't like getting struck by lightening either.
I did hear about a guy who never leaves his bed because he's so fat, I get that, but what I don't get is the dumb ass who works all day to support his food habit. People wait on these fat asses hand and foot. "I NEED MORE MOUNTAIN DEW AND FRIED CHICKEN!" "I'm coming darling." Look here Shamu, here's a phone, call somebody who gives a shit!" Who does that?!
First of all, just so you know, I consider myself a tractor beam of hotness. I went through all that body image bullshit when I was younger. I'm too short, my butts not round enough, my tits are too BIG! Well, I'm 41 and have three kids and I think I look pretty good for what I've put into my body. I tried dieting after all three of my kids were born. I didn't last one flippin' day. I like food too much.
My husband says if you cut me I would bleed cheese. He's partially correct. If I was asked would I like a blood transfusion to survive or a grilled cheese sandwich I would only have one question, "Is it munster or cheddar?" Although my dad can make a mean grilled swiss on rye. I have definitely taken the desire to eat something tasty to a new level. Have you ever seen a commercial where someone looks like they are having an orgasm while enjoying a yogurt? That's me. I love food so much that if you said "Hey fatty, do you want to be skinny and rich or obese and poor?" I would answer obese and poor quicker than it takes Oprah Winfrey to grow her next chin.
Being skinny is debilitating, horrifically boring and downright painful. It's so painful that it makes people throw up. Yes, skinny people vomit a lot! Can you believe that? Being skinny makes you sick to your stomach. If I feel like my food is coming back up I hold on tighter than Eric Roberts trying to hold on to his career when his agent says, "Take the Young and The Restless gig. It's all I got".
I suffer from dieter's remorse. If I start a diet I feel guilty that the cheesecake I left in the fridge is going to suffer abandonment issues
I have some simple tips for anyone suffering from dieters remorse.
1) Stop worrying about food, it's just food! Worry about something important like how much money you threw away on the 60 leftover pouches of powdered eggs that you bought from Nutri Systems and never ate because you'd rather eat a moon rock.
2) Don't eat fast food. Not because it's fattening, but because it tastes disgusting. Does anyone hit a Burger King drive through, eat their meal and say that was delicious? NO! NEVER!
3) If you want a sleeve of Oreos, have it, but just not four times in a row.
4) If you don't like cheese, try it again. I think your missing something.
Another thing that pisses me off is all the "It tastes just like it" food. "I can't believe it's not butter?" You can't believe it because it isn't and it never will be. "Have this Toffuti Burger it tastes just like a burger." "No, it tastes like cardboard with non fat mayo on it." People who make non fat mayo should be hung from a yardarm. Mayo is supposed to be delicious and full of fat. Stop fucking with mayo, mayo is fine the way it is. "I can't believe this hot dog is soy product. It tastes just like a real hot dog." "No, it doesn't it tastes like a pickled turd." And finally Lactose free ice cream, really? If you are lactose intolerant ... hold on ... I got to stop laughing. Lastose intolerant! Everybody is lactose intolerant. Dairy hardens your arteries, disrupts your digestive system and gives you gas, but the stomach cramps are worth it. Tell me Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia isn't good! Yeah, I don't like getting struck by lightening either.
I did hear about a guy who never leaves his bed because he's so fat, I get that, but what I don't get is the dumb ass who works all day to support his food habit. People wait on these fat asses hand and foot. "I NEED MORE MOUNTAIN DEW AND FRIED CHICKEN!" "I'm coming darling." Look here Shamu, here's a phone, call somebody who gives a shit!" Who does that?!
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