Children and common brain disorders.

My sister is a court reporter, we call her "The Repeater". She is a verbatim reporter which means she can repeat, transcribe and certify every word you say in a deposition. Scary huh?  I would like this in life. Not for me, but for everyone else I come into contact with, namely my children.  I always remember exactly what I said, it's all the other not yet diagnosed Alzheimer patients that live with me. 

As I have gone through my life I have spent numerous hours using and abusing my brain cells. It really is a mystery to me how I am functioning on such limited resources.  These new creatures of earth who are born with 16 trillion brain cells  ... yes, 16 trillion I looked it up one time, can't seem to remember to brush their teeth and wash their own asses.  Now, none of what I have said comes as a surprise to anyone in my position, but riddle me this ... if there are millions of synapses going off in the human brain at any given time, than does the contents of a juice box make your above average child appear to have amnesia?   Can't answer, can you?

My 5 year old can sing in perfect harmony the entire Morrisey tune Let Me Kiss You, but can not seem to understand why I am getting angry, for the 17th day in a row, answering NO to the question, "Can we go to Toys-R-Us?"  Where are this kids priorities?  At that age you would think some basic forms of human existence would be sinking in.  Don't bite your friends or you will go to timeout, brush your teeth or you will have to have them drilled on, wash your ass or your mom will do it for you ...  and frankly moms don't understand the nuances of the family jewels, their delicacy and close proximity to other areas that need scrubbing.

We all talk about them when they are babies, try to figure out what they are thinking.  "Oh, look at him staring at the dumpster, I guess he's gonna be a garbage man."  "Oh, look at her staring at your earrings, I guess she's gonna be a gold digger."  Nothing prepares us for ages 3-12 when the Alzheimer Amnesiacs Association moves in and starts holding it's meetings at your dinner table.
"Do you have any homework?"
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"No, wait ...yes."
"Yes, you're sure or yes you have homework?"
"I have a little."
"Than why did you say you didn't?"
"What?"
"What?"
"You said what first?"
FUCK!

I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. And this carries over into everything they do.
"Did you wash your hair in the shower?"
"Yes."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Let me smell your hair."
"Oh, wait ... I can't remember if I did."
"Son, you stepped out of the shower 4 seconds ago, how do you not remember?"
"What?"
"What?"
FUCK

Seriously, I feel like I am raising politicians.  Will they ever learn or will I be calling them at age 40 leaving messages on their answering machine saying "Son, it's your mother.  Did you remember to brush your teeth this morning?"  And then go into a 15 minute diatribe about the importance of dental health.  I know this happens it's happened to all of us.  "WTF, does my mother think I'm an idiot?"  Yes, she does.  She spent the first 21 years of your life (18 if she was lucky, 28 if she wasn't)  taking care of your dumb ass, she knows how dense you are.

I recently heard on the news that some parents are not using diapers at all and potty training their kids from birth.  Whenever they think the kid needs to go they hold him over a toilet.  "I'm 4 days old, I just opened my eyes, I'm scared and I don't need this kind of pressure!"  Who does that?!