I consider myself an amateur stalker. I have had a few celebrity crushes, but I just don't seem to be real good at it. I either forget I'm supposed to be stalking someone or I'm so overt that I'm like Orson Wells trying to hide out at the Super China Buffet on his 40th trip up to the Crab Rangoon tray. I have checked out tips and tricks from other stalkers and I guess I'm just not that into it. And now that gas is up to $2.38 a gallon I'm rethinking my motivation because the weekly trips past Rush Limbaugh's house are just not yielding the results I had hoped for.
My sister has a stalker. He's a total moron though so don't be alarmed. He's about as good a stalker as William Lepeska. And frankly I'm surprised no one's stalking that guy, he looks eerily like Hugh Laurie!
My sisters stalker is more like a pathologically lying, wanna be player. He kinda reminds me of M.C. Hammer's comeback, "Yeah, we all know who your are, but we realized we just don't have to care anymore." He thinks he's fooling people, but in reality he's been quite the laugh factory. He just shows up unannounced, tells everyone how great he's doing and leaves. It's like meeting up with your high school sweetheart at the reunion, hearing all about how he invented the beer hat and lives in his own castle, only to find out that he actually still lives with his mommy and is a late night cook at the IHOP. Bummer!
Showing up unannounced is stalker 101 my friends, but you really need to have a better plan than saying something cliche like "You had me at Hello" when you arrive. What you really need to practice is appearing at places the person went to eat or shop. Sit at the table next to them or follow them down every aisle making shifty eyes every time they look your way. I don't know how to do it, I'm just sayin'.
I started stalking my husband about three years ago. He's called the cops a couple times, you know, just when I got a little close to him, but nothing serious. I drive by my house a lot, real slow and blast Peter Gabriel "In Your Eyes" out the window. I know it sounds strange, but I think he's coming around.
Now, if you have to drive a long way to stalk someone, please, please, pick up a Trip Tic at AAA so you can see where the rest stops are. Otherwise your going to get caught with those diapers in the trunk and that's really not sexy at all. Who Does that?!
Friday, October 29, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Iditos in Healthcare
For starters, who is the idiot that decided it's acceptable for doctors to waste everyone's time? I have sat in the "waiting room" of many offices where I think they are watching me toss yet another magazine across their coffee table on close caption TV from the break room in the back, popping Lortab and laughing their asses off. WHAT is going on back there? And just a tip to the people who think that the ob that delivered your daughter 21 years ago really cares that she's getting married now and living in Kalamazoo and working part time at the grocery store ... he DOESN'T. Quit running your mouth about nonsense. Your holding up the line for the rest of us while he's trying to be polite and not mention the thing about her eyes being crossed and did it ever get fixed.
Now, if you miss an appointment you get charged a fee, what kind of bullshit is that? If you don't want me to be your patient tell me to screw off otherwise my time is as valuable as yours and frankly your holier than thou attitude is making me want to set up a lot of appointments as random identities of people with serious needs that never show up. "Yes. Dr. Dickhead, your new patient with the basketball sized tumor on his left nut never showed up?" "Gee, that's strange, send him a bill to that P.O. Box on file, you'll hear from him after that!" "I don't know what happened, but your 4:00 emergency patient with the corncob lodged in her ear never showed." "She'll call back, no one can exist too long with a corncob lodged in their ear."
People want to fix health care how about we fix appointment times. I got an idea, how about if I show up late I have to go to the back of the line and if you don't see me on time I get 20% knocked off my bill for every 15 minutes. Now, I know what you're gonna say, there's real medicine going on back there and there is no way to truly calculate how long things will take, right? That I should understand when I get back there I will get the same time and attention that everybody else does. Well, I say let's use some common sense people! You spent eight years in college, your Rn's and nurse practitioners ... I would guess at least 6, maybe 7 and that equals approximately ......... fuck if I know, but I know it's a lot of hours of education. This isn't brain surgery Dr. McMoneybags, if the patient in Operatory 1 has a hangnail and the patient in Operatory 2 has a gunshot wound, tell the patient in Op 1 that he needs to go home and suck it up. You'll call him when you're done with the real medicine and you have nothing better to do.
And here's another tip for saving time. If a patient calls you and says they need antidepressants, do you really think there faking it? Why would someone fake depression? And if they are faking it, they're nuts and they still need their ticket out of crazy town like the rest of us, so call it in. You don't need to see them.
God Damn, do we really need to fill out four pages worth of paperwork, sit in your waiting room for an hour and a half to get in the back so you can tell us how we need to lose weight. We know this! Has anyone gone to the doctor, had him suggest that you need to lose weight and you responded, "I'm in total shock! I was wondering why everyone was calling me baby hippo! Can I please just get my meds before I kill your cashier on the way out."
And another thing. What moron had to come up with this idea that EVERYWHERE in your doctor's office there needs to be signs! Tell us if you're pregnant, Tell us if you've changed insurance. Tell us if you're on any medication. Can't you read the 400 questions you just asked me to answer on these useless pieces of paper that look like I just got the 1,000 copy of the copy of the copy.
And what about the people who can't read, are they just shit out of luck? I layed down and put my feet in the stirrups at the Gynecologist's office and there's a sign on the ceiling that says, "Payment is expected when services are rendered." I threw a hundred dollar bill on his instrument tray when he was finished, got dressed and left feeling really, really dirty.
Before I go I just want to say, stop suing your doctors for ridiculous shit. Unless of course they take off a leg when you came in to have blood drawn. Now that's just wrong. Who does that?!
Now, if you miss an appointment you get charged a fee, what kind of bullshit is that? If you don't want me to be your patient tell me to screw off otherwise my time is as valuable as yours and frankly your holier than thou attitude is making me want to set up a lot of appointments as random identities of people with serious needs that never show up. "Yes. Dr. Dickhead, your new patient with the basketball sized tumor on his left nut never showed up?" "Gee, that's strange, send him a bill to that P.O. Box on file, you'll hear from him after that!" "I don't know what happened, but your 4:00 emergency patient with the corncob lodged in her ear never showed." "She'll call back, no one can exist too long with a corncob lodged in their ear."
People want to fix health care how about we fix appointment times. I got an idea, how about if I show up late I have to go to the back of the line and if you don't see me on time I get 20% knocked off my bill for every 15 minutes. Now, I know what you're gonna say, there's real medicine going on back there and there is no way to truly calculate how long things will take, right? That I should understand when I get back there I will get the same time and attention that everybody else does. Well, I say let's use some common sense people! You spent eight years in college, your Rn's and nurse practitioners ... I would guess at least 6, maybe 7 and that equals approximately ......... fuck if I know, but I know it's a lot of hours of education. This isn't brain surgery Dr. McMoneybags, if the patient in Operatory 1 has a hangnail and the patient in Operatory 2 has a gunshot wound, tell the patient in Op 1 that he needs to go home and suck it up. You'll call him when you're done with the real medicine and you have nothing better to do.
And here's another tip for saving time. If a patient calls you and says they need antidepressants, do you really think there faking it? Why would someone fake depression? And if they are faking it, they're nuts and they still need their ticket out of crazy town like the rest of us, so call it in. You don't need to see them.
God Damn, do we really need to fill out four pages worth of paperwork, sit in your waiting room for an hour and a half to get in the back so you can tell us how we need to lose weight. We know this! Has anyone gone to the doctor, had him suggest that you need to lose weight and you responded, "I'm in total shock! I was wondering why everyone was calling me baby hippo! Can I please just get my meds before I kill your cashier on the way out."
And another thing. What moron had to come up with this idea that EVERYWHERE in your doctor's office there needs to be signs! Tell us if you're pregnant, Tell us if you've changed insurance. Tell us if you're on any medication. Can't you read the 400 questions you just asked me to answer on these useless pieces of paper that look like I just got the 1,000 copy of the copy of the copy.
And what about the people who can't read, are they just shit out of luck? I layed down and put my feet in the stirrups at the Gynecologist's office and there's a sign on the ceiling that says, "Payment is expected when services are rendered." I threw a hundred dollar bill on his instrument tray when he was finished, got dressed and left feeling really, really dirty.
Before I go I just want to say, stop suing your doctors for ridiculous shit. Unless of course they take off a leg when you came in to have blood drawn. Now that's just wrong. Who does that?!
Monday, October 25, 2010
Underinformed Opinions
People's sense of entitlement to sound off about anything they feel like has become so out of control. Didn't your mother tell you not to talk about things you don't know anything about? I think it is a right to have an opinion and express it, but not if you're under qualified.
I don't presume to know how to fly a plane and don't argue with pilots as to the fastest route to Flagstaff, Arizona. Especially if I think the pilot had one to many Glenlivet's and soda at the secret pilot airport cave. Stop sitting on the plane running your mouth about the fact that because you've flown on planes so many times you can tell that the pilot is coming in too quickly and the landing won't be as smooth as your accustomed to. Nobody gives a shit what you think and next time buy two seats so I don't hang myself from the no smoking sign in the bathroom from sitting next to your ridiculous ass.
We all have things we're good at, but you can't be good at everything. I hate a "know it all." I just want to punch them in their inaccurate and limited knowledge heads. Stop trying to act like because you had carpal tunnel surgery you are now an expert on Neurology. You weren't even awake during the procedure jackass. That's like going to a clown college and asking the best and the brightest clowns if they are familiar with the opinions in Stephen Hawking's book The Large Scale Structure of Spacetime. They're clowns and they know it. They're good at making people laugh not mathematics and so unless one of them previously graduated from Cambridge majoring in Applied Physics they shouldn't be sounding off about quantum mechanics.
I also hate celebrities under the age of 20 telling me their opinions on politics. First of all you haven't been on the planet long enough to have any opinions and your young and rich so shut the hell up! Until you've sat in your college dorm room starving and scared to call your dad for more lunch money because you blew your wad on ecstasy, than don't tell me you have a clue about how the rest of us are going to survive. We've been in the trenches. There are life lessons you have not yet experienced. We've all gone in to the 711 high after coming up with the plan for one of us to shoplift a bag of Cheetos and 6 pack of Strohs and leave IOU's in place of it, while the other one distracts the cashier with the old "can you give me directions" trick. This makes us experts in poor budgeting and therefor can have opinions on government spending. We've also been to 711 stock room jail to get our shoplifting tickets so we can now opine on National Security. Got it?
If any of you celebrity idiots want to come out and say something intelligent about a problem we are facing in our nation, have at it, but it must go a little deeper than "I support Obama." That's like saying, "I support Jimmy Choo". You mean you gave entirely too much money to fall and bust your ass in a pair of 6 inch stilettos that the democrats want to outlaw in 16 states because people with no insurance keep coming into the emergency room with broken ankles.
So before you tell me how you're now an expert in martial arts because you watched the latest Jackie Chan flick, recorded yourself imitating the fight scenes and posted them on you tube ... learn how to read a book or I'm gonna kick your Cliff Clavin ass. Who does that?!
I don't presume to know how to fly a plane and don't argue with pilots as to the fastest route to Flagstaff, Arizona. Especially if I think the pilot had one to many Glenlivet's and soda at the secret pilot airport cave. Stop sitting on the plane running your mouth about the fact that because you've flown on planes so many times you can tell that the pilot is coming in too quickly and the landing won't be as smooth as your accustomed to. Nobody gives a shit what you think and next time buy two seats so I don't hang myself from the no smoking sign in the bathroom from sitting next to your ridiculous ass.
We all have things we're good at, but you can't be good at everything. I hate a "know it all." I just want to punch them in their inaccurate and limited knowledge heads. Stop trying to act like because you had carpal tunnel surgery you are now an expert on Neurology. You weren't even awake during the procedure jackass. That's like going to a clown college and asking the best and the brightest clowns if they are familiar with the opinions in Stephen Hawking's book The Large Scale Structure of Spacetime. They're clowns and they know it. They're good at making people laugh not mathematics and so unless one of them previously graduated from Cambridge majoring in Applied Physics they shouldn't be sounding off about quantum mechanics.
I also hate celebrities under the age of 20 telling me their opinions on politics. First of all you haven't been on the planet long enough to have any opinions and your young and rich so shut the hell up! Until you've sat in your college dorm room starving and scared to call your dad for more lunch money because you blew your wad on ecstasy, than don't tell me you have a clue about how the rest of us are going to survive. We've been in the trenches. There are life lessons you have not yet experienced. We've all gone in to the 711 high after coming up with the plan for one of us to shoplift a bag of Cheetos and 6 pack of Strohs and leave IOU's in place of it, while the other one distracts the cashier with the old "can you give me directions" trick. This makes us experts in poor budgeting and therefor can have opinions on government spending. We've also been to 711 stock room jail to get our shoplifting tickets so we can now opine on National Security. Got it?
If any of you celebrity idiots want to come out and say something intelligent about a problem we are facing in our nation, have at it, but it must go a little deeper than "I support Obama." That's like saying, "I support Jimmy Choo". You mean you gave entirely too much money to fall and bust your ass in a pair of 6 inch stilettos that the democrats want to outlaw in 16 states because people with no insurance keep coming into the emergency room with broken ankles.
So before you tell me how you're now an expert in martial arts because you watched the latest Jackie Chan flick, recorded yourself imitating the fight scenes and posted them on you tube ... learn how to read a book or I'm gonna kick your Cliff Clavin ass. Who does that?!
Saturday, October 23, 2010
FOOD
Let's talk about food. There has been so much negative discussion about food that I have decided to to put a new spin on it.
First of all, just so you know, I consider myself a tractor beam of hotness. I went through all that body image bullshit when I was younger. I'm too short, my butts not round enough, my tits are too BIG! Well, I'm 41 and have three kids and I think I look pretty good for what I've put into my body. I tried dieting after all three of my kids were born. I didn't last one flippin' day. I like food too much.
My husband says if you cut me I would bleed cheese. He's partially correct. If I was asked would I like a blood transfusion to survive or a grilled cheese sandwich I would only have one question, "Is it munster or cheddar?" Although my dad can make a mean grilled swiss on rye. I have definitely taken the desire to eat something tasty to a new level. Have you ever seen a commercial where someone looks like they are having an orgasm while enjoying a yogurt? That's me. I love food so much that if you said "Hey fatty, do you want to be skinny and rich or obese and poor?" I would answer obese and poor quicker than it takes Oprah Winfrey to grow her next chin.
Being skinny is debilitating, horrifically boring and downright painful. It's so painful that it makes people throw up. Yes, skinny people vomit a lot! Can you believe that? Being skinny makes you sick to your stomach. If I feel like my food is coming back up I hold on tighter than Eric Roberts trying to hold on to his career when his agent says, "Take the Young and The Restless gig. It's all I got".
I suffer from dieter's remorse. If I start a diet I feel guilty that the cheesecake I left in the fridge is going to suffer abandonment issues
I have some simple tips for anyone suffering from dieters remorse.
1) Stop worrying about food, it's just food! Worry about something important like how much money you threw away on the 60 leftover pouches of powdered eggs that you bought from Nutri Systems and never ate because you'd rather eat a moon rock.
2) Don't eat fast food. Not because it's fattening, but because it tastes disgusting. Does anyone hit a Burger King drive through, eat their meal and say that was delicious? NO! NEVER!
3) If you want a sleeve of Oreos, have it, but just not four times in a row.
4) If you don't like cheese, try it again. I think your missing something.
Another thing that pisses me off is all the "It tastes just like it" food. "I can't believe it's not butter?" You can't believe it because it isn't and it never will be. "Have this Toffuti Burger it tastes just like a burger." "No, it tastes like cardboard with non fat mayo on it." People who make non fat mayo should be hung from a yardarm. Mayo is supposed to be delicious and full of fat. Stop fucking with mayo, mayo is fine the way it is. "I can't believe this hot dog is soy product. It tastes just like a real hot dog." "No, it doesn't it tastes like a pickled turd." And finally Lactose free ice cream, really? If you are lactose intolerant ... hold on ... I got to stop laughing. Lastose intolerant! Everybody is lactose intolerant. Dairy hardens your arteries, disrupts your digestive system and gives you gas, but the stomach cramps are worth it. Tell me Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia isn't good! Yeah, I don't like getting struck by lightening either.
I did hear about a guy who never leaves his bed because he's so fat, I get that, but what I don't get is the dumb ass who works all day to support his food habit. People wait on these fat asses hand and foot. "I NEED MORE MOUNTAIN DEW AND FRIED CHICKEN!" "I'm coming darling." Look here Shamu, here's a phone, call somebody who gives a shit!" Who does that?!
First of all, just so you know, I consider myself a tractor beam of hotness. I went through all that body image bullshit when I was younger. I'm too short, my butts not round enough, my tits are too BIG! Well, I'm 41 and have three kids and I think I look pretty good for what I've put into my body. I tried dieting after all three of my kids were born. I didn't last one flippin' day. I like food too much.
My husband says if you cut me I would bleed cheese. He's partially correct. If I was asked would I like a blood transfusion to survive or a grilled cheese sandwich I would only have one question, "Is it munster or cheddar?" Although my dad can make a mean grilled swiss on rye. I have definitely taken the desire to eat something tasty to a new level. Have you ever seen a commercial where someone looks like they are having an orgasm while enjoying a yogurt? That's me. I love food so much that if you said "Hey fatty, do you want to be skinny and rich or obese and poor?" I would answer obese and poor quicker than it takes Oprah Winfrey to grow her next chin.
Being skinny is debilitating, horrifically boring and downright painful. It's so painful that it makes people throw up. Yes, skinny people vomit a lot! Can you believe that? Being skinny makes you sick to your stomach. If I feel like my food is coming back up I hold on tighter than Eric Roberts trying to hold on to his career when his agent says, "Take the Young and The Restless gig. It's all I got".
I suffer from dieter's remorse. If I start a diet I feel guilty that the cheesecake I left in the fridge is going to suffer abandonment issues
I have some simple tips for anyone suffering from dieters remorse.
1) Stop worrying about food, it's just food! Worry about something important like how much money you threw away on the 60 leftover pouches of powdered eggs that you bought from Nutri Systems and never ate because you'd rather eat a moon rock.
2) Don't eat fast food. Not because it's fattening, but because it tastes disgusting. Does anyone hit a Burger King drive through, eat their meal and say that was delicious? NO! NEVER!
3) If you want a sleeve of Oreos, have it, but just not four times in a row.
4) If you don't like cheese, try it again. I think your missing something.
Another thing that pisses me off is all the "It tastes just like it" food. "I can't believe it's not butter?" You can't believe it because it isn't and it never will be. "Have this Toffuti Burger it tastes just like a burger." "No, it tastes like cardboard with non fat mayo on it." People who make non fat mayo should be hung from a yardarm. Mayo is supposed to be delicious and full of fat. Stop fucking with mayo, mayo is fine the way it is. "I can't believe this hot dog is soy product. It tastes just like a real hot dog." "No, it doesn't it tastes like a pickled turd." And finally Lactose free ice cream, really? If you are lactose intolerant ... hold on ... I got to stop laughing. Lastose intolerant! Everybody is lactose intolerant. Dairy hardens your arteries, disrupts your digestive system and gives you gas, but the stomach cramps are worth it. Tell me Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia isn't good! Yeah, I don't like getting struck by lightening either.
I did hear about a guy who never leaves his bed because he's so fat, I get that, but what I don't get is the dumb ass who works all day to support his food habit. People wait on these fat asses hand and foot. "I NEED MORE MOUNTAIN DEW AND FRIED CHICKEN!" "I'm coming darling." Look here Shamu, here's a phone, call somebody who gives a shit!" Who does that?!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Children and common brain disorders.
My sister is a court reporter, we call her "The Repeater". She is a verbatim reporter which means she can repeat, transcribe and certify every word you say in a deposition. Scary huh? I would like this in life. Not for me, but for everyone else I come into contact with, namely my children. I always remember exactly what I said, it's all the other not yet diagnosed Alzheimer patients that live with me.
As I have gone through my life I have spent numerous hours using and abusing my brain cells. It really is a mystery to me how I am functioning on such limited resources. These new creatures of earth who are born with 16 trillion brain cells ... yes, 16 trillion I looked it up one time, can't seem to remember to brush their teeth and wash their own asses. Now, none of what I have said comes as a surprise to anyone in my position, but riddle me this ... if there are millions of synapses going off in the human brain at any given time, than does the contents of a juice box make your above average child appear to have amnesia? Can't answer, can you?
My 5 year old can sing in perfect harmony the entire Morrisey tune Let Me Kiss You, but can not seem to understand why I am getting angry, for the 17th day in a row, answering NO to the question, "Can we go to Toys-R-Us?" Where are this kids priorities? At that age you would think some basic forms of human existence would be sinking in. Don't bite your friends or you will go to timeout, brush your teeth or you will have to have them drilled on, wash your ass or your mom will do it for you ... and frankly moms don't understand the nuances of the family jewels, their delicacy and close proximity to other areas that need scrubbing.
We all talk about them when they are babies, try to figure out what they are thinking. "Oh, look at him staring at the dumpster, I guess he's gonna be a garbage man." "Oh, look at her staring at your earrings, I guess she's gonna be a gold digger." Nothing prepares us for ages 3-12 when the Alzheimer Amnesiacs Association moves in and starts holding it's meetings at your dinner table.
"Do you have any homework?"
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"No, wait ...yes."
"Yes, you're sure or yes you have homework?"
"I have a little."
"Than why did you say you didn't?"
"What?"
"What?"
"You said what first?"
FUCK!
I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. And this carries over into everything they do.
"Did you wash your hair in the shower?"
"Yes."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Let me smell your hair."
"Oh, wait ... I can't remember if I did."
"Son, you stepped out of the shower 4 seconds ago, how do you not remember?"
"What?"
"What?"
FUCK
Seriously, I feel like I am raising politicians. Will they ever learn or will I be calling them at age 40 leaving messages on their answering machine saying "Son, it's your mother. Did you remember to brush your teeth this morning?" And then go into a 15 minute diatribe about the importance of dental health. I know this happens it's happened to all of us. "WTF, does my mother think I'm an idiot?" Yes, she does. She spent the first 21 years of your life (18 if she was lucky, 28 if she wasn't) taking care of your dumb ass, she knows how dense you are.
I recently heard on the news that some parents are not using diapers at all and potty training their kids from birth. Whenever they think the kid needs to go they hold him over a toilet. "I'm 4 days old, I just opened my eyes, I'm scared and I don't need this kind of pressure!" Who does that?!
As I have gone through my life I have spent numerous hours using and abusing my brain cells. It really is a mystery to me how I am functioning on such limited resources. These new creatures of earth who are born with 16 trillion brain cells ... yes, 16 trillion I looked it up one time, can't seem to remember to brush their teeth and wash their own asses. Now, none of what I have said comes as a surprise to anyone in my position, but riddle me this ... if there are millions of synapses going off in the human brain at any given time, than does the contents of a juice box make your above average child appear to have amnesia? Can't answer, can you?
My 5 year old can sing in perfect harmony the entire Morrisey tune Let Me Kiss You, but can not seem to understand why I am getting angry, for the 17th day in a row, answering NO to the question, "Can we go to Toys-R-Us?" Where are this kids priorities? At that age you would think some basic forms of human existence would be sinking in. Don't bite your friends or you will go to timeout, brush your teeth or you will have to have them drilled on, wash your ass or your mom will do it for you ... and frankly moms don't understand the nuances of the family jewels, their delicacy and close proximity to other areas that need scrubbing.
We all talk about them when they are babies, try to figure out what they are thinking. "Oh, look at him staring at the dumpster, I guess he's gonna be a garbage man." "Oh, look at her staring at your earrings, I guess she's gonna be a gold digger." Nothing prepares us for ages 3-12 when the Alzheimer Amnesiacs Association moves in and starts holding it's meetings at your dinner table.
"Do you have any homework?"
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"No, wait ...yes."
"Yes, you're sure or yes you have homework?"
"I have a little."
"Than why did you say you didn't?"
"What?"
"What?"
"You said what first?"
FUCK!
I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. And this carries over into everything they do.
"Did you wash your hair in the shower?"
"Yes."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Let me smell your hair."
"Oh, wait ... I can't remember if I did."
"Son, you stepped out of the shower 4 seconds ago, how do you not remember?"
"What?"
"What?"
FUCK
Seriously, I feel like I am raising politicians. Will they ever learn or will I be calling them at age 40 leaving messages on their answering machine saying "Son, it's your mother. Did you remember to brush your teeth this morning?" And then go into a 15 minute diatribe about the importance of dental health. I know this happens it's happened to all of us. "WTF, does my mother think I'm an idiot?" Yes, she does. She spent the first 21 years of your life (18 if she was lucky, 28 if she wasn't) taking care of your dumb ass, she knows how dense you are.
I recently heard on the news that some parents are not using diapers at all and potty training their kids from birth. Whenever they think the kid needs to go they hold him over a toilet. "I'm 4 days old, I just opened my eyes, I'm scared and I don't need this kind of pressure!" Who does that?!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
I hate being sick!
So, I am sick. Again! Got it from my kids who got it from other kids. Not that big of a shock considering that in order for kids to miss a day of school due to illness they must submit to an Open MRI, bring a stool sample in to the school nurse, pick up four days worth of future school work and produce a recent background check. Parents have gotten to the point where they are not only afraid to keep their kids at home when they are sick, but know that if they do the principal and his posse will be at their house within the hour with more backup than was reported at the Branch Davidian Massacre to haul them in for a water boarding session to find out what's really wrong. "The fucking kid has a fever! I swear!"
What dumb ass group of idiots have ruined this for everyone? My oldest son has straight A's every year. In gifted classes, always has his homework done, is clean (most mornings anyway), has lunch money, we go to the activities and parent teacher conferences, but if the tardy bell rings and he's not in his seat I hear choppers flying over my house with someone on a megaphone calling out, "We know you're in there!" What are people doing or not doing to make this such an issue and why are all of us being punished for the sins of a few?
I'm pissed about it. The older child I can understand somewhat, but I also have a kindergartner. "Why wasn't your son in school today?" "Oh, I'm sorry, did he miss the whole day on the color orange? Trust me he'll be caught up by tomorrow. I'll ask him to show me something orange, he will and I'll praise him, okay?" This is not brain surgery people, it's really quite simple. If you can pass the test than you can move on.
I understand that education is important, so let's put the importance on education not regulating how much money I need to spend at the local urgent care where I have to go to produce a bogus doctors excuse from the most recent Doogie Howser wannabe nurse practitioner. "Yes, your son has a fever Mrs. Young." "No, shit! A fever? Are you sure? I hear they came out with these new fangled contraptions that actually allow you to test the body temperature of a human at home." "Whoa! Slow down, what might they call these strange and scary objects of medical madness?" "A thermometer. Who knew?"
Give me a fucking break people. And the irony of it all is they tell you not to allow your child back at school until he has been fever free for 24 hours. "So even if he is feeling better, don't bring him here. You'll need to either lie about his condition or go to jail for breaking truancy laws. Yeah, nobody said life was fair."
Speaking of sick people, I did read a story about a guy who was intentionally infecting people with the HIV virus just for scuzz. So word to the wise, water boarding can come in handy when you need to find out if someone is lying about what lovers contamination they may or may not be carrying. Who Does That?!
What dumb ass group of idiots have ruined this for everyone? My oldest son has straight A's every year. In gifted classes, always has his homework done, is clean (most mornings anyway), has lunch money, we go to the activities and parent teacher conferences, but if the tardy bell rings and he's not in his seat I hear choppers flying over my house with someone on a megaphone calling out, "We know you're in there!" What are people doing or not doing to make this such an issue and why are all of us being punished for the sins of a few?
I'm pissed about it. The older child I can understand somewhat, but I also have a kindergartner. "Why wasn't your son in school today?" "Oh, I'm sorry, did he miss the whole day on the color orange? Trust me he'll be caught up by tomorrow. I'll ask him to show me something orange, he will and I'll praise him, okay?" This is not brain surgery people, it's really quite simple. If you can pass the test than you can move on.
I understand that education is important, so let's put the importance on education not regulating how much money I need to spend at the local urgent care where I have to go to produce a bogus doctors excuse from the most recent Doogie Howser wannabe nurse practitioner. "Yes, your son has a fever Mrs. Young." "No, shit! A fever? Are you sure? I hear they came out with these new fangled contraptions that actually allow you to test the body temperature of a human at home." "Whoa! Slow down, what might they call these strange and scary objects of medical madness?" "A thermometer. Who knew?"
Give me a fucking break people. And the irony of it all is they tell you not to allow your child back at school until he has been fever free for 24 hours. "So even if he is feeling better, don't bring him here. You'll need to either lie about his condition or go to jail for breaking truancy laws. Yeah, nobody said life was fair."
Speaking of sick people, I did read a story about a guy who was intentionally infecting people with the HIV virus just for scuzz. So word to the wise, water boarding can come in handy when you need to find out if someone is lying about what lovers contamination they may or may not be carrying. Who Does That?!
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Passive Aggressive Much?
What is it with people who can't take a hint? I think I might be one of them. I have contemplated this enough to know I am one hard headed, pain in the ass. If I don't get what I want I will turn into one of two things. Lindsey Lohan at her latest press junket being ever so incredibly passive aggressive. Or more of a victim than Monica Lewinski being brought into the oval office by Paul Tulley to have a stop and chat with Bill Clinton where he explains how oral sex isn't sex and she should have all of her clothes dry cleaned immediately because he knows somebody who knows a guy who can make the IRS crawl up her ass faster than a cheetah on crack.
I apparently need such a beating with a baseball bat to the back of the head to learn a lesson that I have actually had people try to beat me in the back of the head with a baseball bat. I'm generally rational but I have a hard time believing any explanation I give myself for why something is not going a certain way. I think I'm too smart. Yes, way to smart. I can read minds, predict events and preemptively stop someone from doing horrible things to me just by eating a swiss cake roll. Now, I know that sounds far fetched, but have you ever had a swiss cake roll? I am convinced they have special powers.
As my mother-in-law would say, "You couldn't run that dog off with a shitty mop." I am definitely that dog when it comes to being right. I have died on a lot of hills and I can tell you the best ones have been covered in the blood of someone else's opinions. I can be downright vicious or cry so hard you think I am Little Orphan Annie after ten years of changing Daddy Warbucks diapers, feeding him jello and finding out she got dick at the reading of the will.
I have tried though. I have been to my share of therapy and had my own interventions, but since starting menopause I have realized it's, ok. Anyone wanna throw a rock at my glass house you go right ahead. I like the fresh air anyway. I have embraced my personalities and if you can read minds like me, raise your hand because there are more of us than you know. As a matter of fact there's more of us than there are of Ashton Kutcher's tweets.
To those of you who think it's cool to tell me the dream you had about how immediately after I find out my son knocked up the first girl he layed that I ran my car into a telephone pole and you have this sinking feeling it may come true .... keep it to yourself. I know everything already anyway so have a swiss cake roll. Who does that?!
I apparently need such a beating with a baseball bat to the back of the head to learn a lesson that I have actually had people try to beat me in the back of the head with a baseball bat. I'm generally rational but I have a hard time believing any explanation I give myself for why something is not going a certain way. I think I'm too smart. Yes, way to smart. I can read minds, predict events and preemptively stop someone from doing horrible things to me just by eating a swiss cake roll. Now, I know that sounds far fetched, but have you ever had a swiss cake roll? I am convinced they have special powers.
As my mother-in-law would say, "You couldn't run that dog off with a shitty mop." I am definitely that dog when it comes to being right. I have died on a lot of hills and I can tell you the best ones have been covered in the blood of someone else's opinions. I can be downright vicious or cry so hard you think I am Little Orphan Annie after ten years of changing Daddy Warbucks diapers, feeding him jello and finding out she got dick at the reading of the will.
I have tried though. I have been to my share of therapy and had my own interventions, but since starting menopause I have realized it's, ok. Anyone wanna throw a rock at my glass house you go right ahead. I like the fresh air anyway. I have embraced my personalities and if you can read minds like me, raise your hand because there are more of us than you know. As a matter of fact there's more of us than there are of Ashton Kutcher's tweets.
To those of you who think it's cool to tell me the dream you had about how immediately after I find out my son knocked up the first girl he layed that I ran my car into a telephone pole and you have this sinking feeling it may come true .... keep it to yourself. I know everything already anyway so have a swiss cake roll. Who does that?!
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