The Holidays

Here they come people .....................   brace yourself. 

I love the holidays, but I have had my share of holiday misadventures.  We all have the one or twenty relatives that we dread seeing or dealing with during the holidays, but I am learning to embrace it and actually have a little fun with them.  I'm stuck with them so why not make them do silly things to entertain me.

Let's start with my favorites.  The ones who want their holiday to be a picture straight out of the Saturday Evening Post.  Oh, how I yearn to disrupt and destroy their Martha Stewartesque atmosphere with three boys, 2 under the age of six and the third, an 11 year old with more attitude than Mike Tyson at his marriage counseling sessions.

In their mind it really IS possible to have this blissfully, perfect wrapped present filled scenario.  And they are absolutely committed to attempting this each and every year in spite of the fact that the holidays from previous years have been so incredibly filled with disappointment.  I LOVE these people.  My mom is one of them.

Countless hours are spent making sure every detail has not been overlooked.  That the house is decorated to perfection and smells like a nice warm cup of cinnamon tea.  The presents have hand made tags from previous Christmas cards that are just too precious to ever even think about throwing away.  The wrapping matches the tree decor and in the background just ever so gently tugging at your ear drum is the sound of Mannheim Steamroller's rendition of The First Noel.  She has painstakingly set the table with the finest Wedgwood china and silver.  Crystal glasses twinkle from the adornment of candles that is the master centerpiece.  The anti pasta is waiting for us with only the freshest pecorino romano and black olives that can be found.  The homemade sauce is bubbling on the stove and the smell of freshly baked lasagna is noticeable up to ten blocks away.  Ahhhhh ... and in we come! 

My dads already pissed because he still to this day does not know what he is celebrating.  He has his traditional kiss on the cheek, but the greeting has been changed from "I hope all you got me was a card" to "I hope you didn't get me a card.  Fucking Hallmark ... $5.00 for a god damn card.  Jesus Christ, it just says Merry Christmas."  And the fun begins.

I watch my mother's forehead with utter amazement.  I wonder how veins can pop so far out of someones skin and pulse in perfect time with the children's screams and never stroke out.  She's like a director of a an excellently written play as she continues to try to complete her set with all the necessary props.  The only problem is her actors are under qualified drunks and frankly more suited for B horror flicks.

I listen to her attempting to direct everyone, my father mostly, to follow the script to include the rewrites from the night before.  And then it happens, the 3 year old who has just disrobed down to his traditional baby Jesus nudity runs through the kitchen with a half ripped open present followed by the 5 year old screaming, "grandma got run over by a reindeer" and plows right into her forcing her to drop the cranberry mold she started chopping up nuts for and zesting oranges three days prior.  She pours a glass of wine sheds a holiday tear and end scene.

I love my mother from the very depths of my soul.  I admire her love for life and the little things in it, her relationship with all her brothers and sister, children and her husband who I am certain if I had to live with I would have hit in the back of the head with a frying pan.  If not for her, none of us would ever know what it means to love without hesitation and although we may seem to be oblivious Mom, we truly love all that you do to make our holiday picture perfect.

Now ...  off to fuck it up!  Who Does That?!

Hypocrites

I am pissed off at another very widely hated group.  Hypocrites.  Nobody ever thinks they're one, but there always seem to be more around than Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen's sorry lame attempts at movie making.

Your average hypocrite starts out with what is seemingly a very rational conversation in regards to even the most mundane subject and turns themselves into a self centered asshole quicker than people can tune into Sarah Palin's new show to see if the next teenage daughter is going to fornicate out of wedlock too.  Let's be realistic here people ... these girls live in Alaska!  I'll say it again ... Alaska!  What the hell else is there to do.  Build a pipeline, lay some pipe ... what's the difference?  And people sit back with their teenage daughter who is 7 months pregnant by the neighbor kid who dropped out of school to advance his career to night manager at The Circle K in order to support our new arrival to the welfare system and his $100 a week "legal herb" habit and say "How dare she run for vice president.  She's a moron and I know what a moron looks like.  I see it in the mirror each time I pull out my bumpits and rave hairspray to don my feathered coif every morning."

And let's move on to the Christians.  Look here average Christian person reading my blog ...  I'm not talking about you right now so sit down.  I'm talking about the ones who come to your door to ask if you have a fucking millennium to discuss how much more shit they know about Jesus than you do.  And god forbid they get my father's chosen response of "I'm an atheist."  "Well, sir, you are going to HELL!!!!!!!"  "That's it?  That's all you got?  Hell?"  Name me one atheist who is scared of hell?  They don't believe in hell that's the WHOLE concept of being atheist.  Know your audience a little better than, John McEnroe did when he thought that anyone listening to his boring ass talk show gave a shit about his liberal rantings.  Now, here comes the hypocrite part ... what happened to spreading gods word, being a disciple, making sure every inch of the planet earth knows about what a wonderful concept Christianity is.  One false move and these people will beat you to death with the crosses they're carrying.

And don't hide back there nodding your head progressives, you know who you are.  "I accept everyone."  Yeah,  until they stand on the corner with a fake bloody baby doll and a sign that says, "Save the unborn babies."  You can't get your window rolled down fast enough to tell them that their life's work of ending abortion is flawed because frankly it's none of their business.  Well, since when does that mean shit to you people?  Neither is the fact that I may own a firearm for protection.  I have lots of things in my house that can kill someone and certainly things that would work just as good if not better than a gun, but for some reason if you want to own a gun these wackjobs think you're in a gang. I'm gonna start a gang and call it "I don't dial 911." For our initiation you have to go to the Wal Mart order up the Hot Pink Rifle and ask "Does that come with a copy of The Gun Control Act of 1968? You know, just so I can see who signed it and all."

So before you open your mouth to judge somebody ask yourself ... "Can I kick their ass if this gets ugly?" Who Does That?!

SHUT UP!

If Kanye West says one more time he wants to clarify, quantify, denyify or apologizeify any prior ignorant shit he has said I swear to the pop artist gods  I'm going to start a blog called "Stupid Shit Kanye West Says".  Oh, wait ... that would be his blog.

Now, I concede he is talented, but that doesn't make him intelligent.  There are a lot of talented musicians with an IQ under 12.  I used to date one.  A very talented guitarist moron.  And I mean a major tool.  Let's just mention a famous one ... Ozzy!  Need I say more.  I love Ozzy, but let's be honest, he's no Mensa member.  At least he has enough intelligence in his black hair color soaked head to know his wife should be running things and he should keep his stupid ass mouth shut.  Could you picture Ozzy negotiating with a mortgage broker?  I can't even imagine him knowing how to operate a gas pump.  And that's okay because he entertains me with music and foolishness, not his opinion on animal testing and I admire him for that.

When did celebrities start taking themselves so seriously? Or I should say ... Why do they take themselves so seriously? Since when do I give a shit if Sarah Jessica Parker, who is pretty much known for her fashion sense, has an opinion on politics? Look here SJP, you're an expert on what hat goes with what bag not the inner workings of the government so explain to me why you and Michelle Obama are even being photographed together? Oh, wait ... I think I just figured that one out myself.  And let me ask you this, how do we really know which one of these jackasses is wearing real fur or fake fur?  And do we really give a shit?  I care about that as much as I care about who is adopting the next 5 year old refugee from China.

When any of these celebrity fuckheads comes out and shows off there latest project filled adoption papers and says, "Look at me I'm so fabulous.  I care so much that I sold these pictures of my new baby from Africa to People magazine.  Oh, but don't worry I'm donating the money to charity! Aren't I amazing."  It makes me want to cancel my subscription to Star Magazine.

Meanwhile the super rich in this country are portrayed as money grubbing assholes who are attempting to rule the world with their diabolical plan of putting Wal Marts on every corner to confuse and steal from poor people.  Those are the same people who gave away nearly 150 billion dollars to charity last year.  THOSE MOTHER FUCKER'S.  They're not fooling me. And don't even try to give me any shit for itemizing because I gave away $15.40 worth of old underwear and piss stained baby clothes to Goodwill.  That's my right!

And whoever is out there that wants to preach to me about the celebrities are just allowing the masses to get the information they want to fuel their obsessions with these goodhearted, pay it forward pretenders, don't bother.  I have one word for you  ... Publicist!  Name me one celebrity that doesn't have one?  Go ahead ... I'll wait.  Poor celebrities and the evil paparazzi chasing them wanting to get pictures and stories about there incredibly interesting trip to all the pay-villions on Rodeo.  "Oh, you just don't understand how frustrating and scary it is to be chased by the paparazzi!"  Boo fucking hoo ... you'd gay marry yourself if you could you narcissistic, botox injected, anorexic bore.

Just make your movie, promote it and entertain me with a cup of Shut The Fuck Up!  Unless of course you want to be a celebrity and decide the way to do it is get your kids to lie that their little brother is out for a joy ride in the homemade, gas filled balloon you built to look like a flying saucer.  I would like to hear you're explanation for that one!  Who does that?!

Stalkers

I consider myself an amateur stalker.  I have had a few celebrity crushes, but I just don't seem to be real good at it.  I either forget I'm supposed to be stalking someone or I'm so overt that I'm like Orson Wells trying to hide out at the Super China Buffet on his 40th trip up to the Crab Rangoon tray.  I have checked out tips and tricks from other stalkers and I guess I'm just not that into it.  And now that gas is up to $2.38 a gallon I'm rethinking my motivation because the weekly trips past Rush Limbaugh's house are just not yielding the results I had hoped for.

My sister has a stalker.  He's a total moron though so don't be alarmed.  He's about as good a stalker as William Lepeska.  And frankly I'm surprised no one's stalking that guy, he looks eerily like Hugh Laurie!

My sisters stalker is more like a pathologically lying, wanna be player.  He kinda reminds me of M.C. Hammer's comeback, "Yeah, we all know who your are, but we realized we just don't have to care anymore."  He thinks he's fooling people, but in reality he's been quite the laugh factory. He just shows up unannounced, tells everyone how great he's doing and leaves.  It's like meeting up with your high school sweetheart at the reunion, hearing all about how he invented the beer hat and lives in his own castle, only to find out that he actually still lives with his mommy and is a late night cook at the IHOP.  Bummer!

Showing up unannounced is stalker 101 my friends, but you really need to have a better plan than saying something cliche like "You had me at Hello" when you arrive. What you really need to practice is appearing at places the person went to eat or shop.  Sit at the table next to them or follow them down every aisle making shifty eyes every time they look your way.  I don't know how to do it, I'm just sayin'.

I started stalking my husband about three years ago.  He's called the cops a couple times, you know, just when I got a little close to him, but nothing serious.  I drive by my house a lot, real slow and blast Peter Gabriel "In Your Eyes" out the window.  I know it sounds strange, but I think he's coming around.

Now, if you have to drive a long way to stalk someone, please, please, pick up a Trip Tic at AAA so you can see where the rest stops are.  Otherwise your going to get caught with those diapers in the trunk and that's really not sexy at all.  Who Does that?!

Iditos in Healthcare

For starters, who is the idiot that decided it's acceptable for doctors to waste everyone's time?  I have sat in the "waiting room" of many offices where I think they are watching me toss yet another magazine across their coffee table on close caption TV from the break room in the back, popping Lortab and laughing their asses off.  WHAT is going on back there?  And just a tip to the people who think that the ob that delivered your daughter 21 years ago really cares that she's getting married now and living in Kalamazoo and working part time at the grocery store ... he DOESN'T.  Quit running your mouth about nonsense.  Your holding up the line for the rest of us while he's trying to be polite and not mention the thing about her eyes being crossed and did it ever get fixed.

Now, if you miss an appointment you get charged a fee, what kind of bullshit is that?  If you don't want me to be your patient tell me to screw off otherwise my time is as valuable as yours and frankly your holier than thou attitude is making me want to set up a lot of appointments as random identities of people with serious needs that never show up.  "Yes. Dr. Dickhead, your new patient with the basketball sized tumor on his left nut never showed up?"  "Gee, that's strange, send him a bill to that P.O. Box on file, you'll hear from him after that!"  "I don't know what happened, but your 4:00 emergency patient with the corncob lodged in her ear never showed."  "She'll call back, no one can exist too long with a corncob lodged in their ear."

People want to fix health care how about we fix appointment times.  I got an idea, how about if I show up late I have to go to the back of the line and if you don't see me on time I get 20% knocked off my bill for every 15 minutes.  Now, I know what you're gonna say, there's real medicine going on back there and there is no way to truly calculate how long things will take, right?  That I should understand when I get back there I will get the same time and attention that everybody else does.  Well, I say let's use some common sense people!  You spent eight years in college, your Rn's and nurse practitioners  ... I would guess at least 6, maybe 7  and that equals approximately ......... fuck if I know, but I know it's a lot of hours of education.  This isn't brain surgery Dr. McMoneybags, if the patient in Operatory 1 has a hangnail and the patient in Operatory 2 has a gunshot wound, tell the patient in Op 1 that he needs to go home and suck it up.  You'll call him when you're done with the real medicine and you have nothing better to do.

And here's another tip for saving time.  If a patient calls you and says they need antidepressants, do you really think there faking it?  Why would someone fake depression?  And if they are faking it, they're nuts and they still need their ticket out of crazy town like the rest of us, so call it in.  You don't need to see them.

God Damn, do we really need to fill out four pages worth of paperwork, sit in your waiting room for an hour and a half to get in the back so you can tell us how we need to lose weight.  We know this!  Has anyone gone to the doctor, had him suggest that you need to lose weight and you responded, "I'm in total shock!  I was wondering why everyone was calling me baby hippo!  Can I please just get my meds before I kill your cashier on the way out."

And another thing.  What moron had to come up with this idea that EVERYWHERE in your doctor's office there needs to be signs!  Tell us if you're pregnant, Tell us if you've changed insurance.  Tell us if you're on any medication.  Can't you read the 400 questions you just asked me to answer on these useless pieces of paper that look like I just got the 1,000 copy of the copy of the copy. 

And what about the people who can't read, are they just shit out of luck?   I layed down and put my feet in the stirrups at the Gynecologist's office and there's a sign on the ceiling that says, "Payment is expected when services are rendered."  I threw a hundred dollar bill on his instrument tray when he was finished, got dressed and left feeling really, really dirty.

Before I go I just want to say, stop suing your doctors for ridiculous shit.  Unless of course they take off a leg when you came in to have blood drawn.  Now that's just wrong.  Who does that?!

Underinformed Opinions

People's sense of entitlement to sound off about anything they feel like has become so out of control.  Didn't your mother tell you not to talk about things you don't know anything about? I think it is a right to have an opinion and express it, but not if you're under qualified.

I don't presume to know how to fly a plane and don't argue with pilots as to the fastest route to Flagstaff, Arizona.  Especially if I think the pilot had one to many Glenlivet's and soda at the secret pilot airport cave.  Stop sitting on the plane running your mouth about the fact that because you've flown on planes so many times you can tell that the pilot is coming in too quickly and the landing won't be as smooth as your accustomed to.  Nobody gives a shit what you think and next time buy two seats so I don't hang myself from the no smoking sign in the bathroom from sitting next to your ridiculous ass.

We all have things we're good at, but you can't be good at everything.  I hate a "know it all."  I just want to punch them in their inaccurate and limited knowledge heads.  Stop trying to act like because you had carpal tunnel surgery you are now an expert on Neurology.  You weren't even awake during the procedure jackass.  That's like going to a clown college and asking the best and the brightest clowns if they are familiar with the opinions in Stephen Hawking's book The Large Scale Structure of Spacetime.  They're clowns and they know it.  They're good at making people laugh not mathematics and so unless one of them previously graduated from Cambridge majoring in Applied Physics they shouldn't be sounding off about quantum mechanics.

I also hate celebrities under the age of 20 telling me their opinions on politics.  First of all you haven't been on the planet long enough to have any opinions and your young and rich so shut the hell up!  Until you've sat in your college dorm room starving and scared to call your dad for more lunch money because you blew your wad on ecstasy, than don't tell me you have a clue about how the rest of us are going to survive.  We've been in the trenches.  There are life lessons you have not yet experienced.  We've all gone in to the 711 high after coming up with the plan for one of us to shoplift a bag of Cheetos and 6 pack of Strohs and leave IOU's in place of it, while the other one distracts the cashier with the old "can you give me directions" trick.  This makes us experts in poor budgeting and therefor can have opinions on government spending.  We've also been to 711 stock room jail to get our shoplifting tickets so we can now opine on National Security.  Got it?

If any of you celebrity idiots want to come out and say something intelligent about a problem we are facing in our nation, have at it, but it must go a little deeper than "I support Obama."  That's like saying, "I support Jimmy Choo".  You mean you gave entirely too much money to fall and bust your ass in a pair of 6 inch stilettos that the democrats want to outlaw in 16 states because people with no insurance keep coming into the emergency room with broken ankles.

So before you tell me how you're now an expert in martial arts because you watched the latest Jackie Chan flick, recorded yourself imitating the fight scenes and posted them on you tube ... learn how to read a book or I'm gonna kick your Cliff Clavin ass.  Who does that?!

FOOD

Let's talk about food.  There has been so much negative discussion about food that I have decided to to put a new spin on it. 

First of all, just so you know,  I consider myself a tractor beam of hotness.  I went through all that body image bullshit when I was younger.  I'm too short, my butts not round enough, my tits are too BIG!  Well, I'm 41 and have three kids and I think I look pretty good for what I've put into my body.  I tried dieting after all three of my kids were born.  I didn't last one flippin' day.  I like food too much.

My husband says if you cut me I would bleed cheese.  He's partially correct.  If I was asked would I like a blood transfusion to survive or a grilled cheese sandwich I would only have one question,  "Is it munster or cheddar?"  Although my dad can make a mean grilled swiss on rye.  I have definitely taken the desire to eat something tasty to a new level.  Have you ever seen a commercial where someone looks like they are having an orgasm while enjoying a yogurt?  That's me.  I love food so much that if you said "Hey fatty, do you want to be skinny and rich or obese and poor?" I would answer obese and poor quicker than it takes Oprah Winfrey to grow her next chin.

Being skinny is debilitating, horrifically boring and downright painful.  It's so painful that it makes people throw up.  Yes, skinny people vomit a lot!  Can you believe that?  Being skinny makes you sick to your stomach.  If I feel like my food is coming back up I hold on tighter than Eric Roberts trying to hold on to his career when his agent says, "Take the Young and The Restless gig.  It's all I got".

I suffer from dieter's remorse.  If I start a diet I feel guilty that the cheesecake I left in the fridge is going to suffer abandonment issues

I have some simple tips for anyone suffering from dieters remorse.

1)  Stop worrying about food, it's just food!  Worry about something important like how much money you  threw away on the 60 leftover pouches of powdered eggs that you bought from Nutri Systems and never ate because you'd rather eat a moon rock.

2)  Don't eat fast food.  Not because it's fattening, but because it tastes disgusting.  Does anyone hit a Burger King drive through, eat their meal and say that was delicious? NO!  NEVER!

3) If you want a sleeve of Oreos, have it, but just not four times in a row.

4)  If you don't like cheese, try it again.  I think your missing something.

Another thing that pisses me off is all the "It tastes just like it" food.  "I can't believe it's not butter?"  You can't believe it because it isn't and it never will be.  "Have this Toffuti Burger it tastes just like a burger."  "No, it tastes like cardboard with non fat mayo on it."  People who make non fat mayo should be hung from a yardarm.  Mayo is supposed to be delicious and full of fat.  Stop fucking with mayo, mayo is fine the way it is.  "I can't believe this hot dog is soy product.  It tastes just like a real hot dog."  "No, it doesn't it tastes like a pickled turd."  And finally Lactose free ice cream, really?  If you are lactose intolerant ... hold on ... I got to stop laughing.  Lastose intolerant!  Everybody is lactose intolerant.  Dairy hardens your arteries, disrupts your digestive system and gives you gas, but the stomach cramps are worth it.  Tell me Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia isn't good! Yeah, I don't like getting struck by lightening either.

I did hear about a guy who never leaves his bed because he's so fat, I get that, but what I don't get is the dumb ass who works all day to support his food habit.  People wait on these fat asses hand and foot.  "I NEED MORE MOUNTAIN DEW AND FRIED CHICKEN!"  "I'm coming darling."  Look here Shamu, here's a phone, call somebody who gives a shit!"  Who does that?!